The Big One*

If you don’t know what The Big One is, you’ve never lived on the West Coast.

Yesterday I got to thinking about The Big One again when I was listening to the radio and heard the mayor of Nanaimo saying that, without the ferry service, Vancouver Island has about a three-day grocery supply. “That’ll never get them through The Big One,” I opined to Renata at dinner, happy once again to have moved off the Island.

Today I went shopping at Costco. If that doesn’t get you thinking about The Big One, nothing will. Costco membership comes, reportedly, with a guarantee that you’ll make it through The Big One; at least, it should.

Just HOW you’ll make it through, though, gives pause. Renata and I will in any case be drunk. Which, considering it’s The Big One, is probably a good start. The only drinkable liquid we have in any significant quantity in the house is wine. That and Real Lemon. I honestly don’t know how we ended up with so many litres of Real Lemon, but I blame Costco. So we’ll be drunk and our teeth will be on edge.

Our arses will be clean too, owing to a simply enormous bag of Costco toilet paper which I picked up today, falsely believing that our other enormous bag was nearly depleted. And we’ll have clean windows. The toilet paper in the pantry is only dwarfed by an even larger bag of paper towel. That, along with a gallon of Windex, will keep us occupied as we wait to be rescued.

And snacks! Boy do we have snacks. That’s one thing Costco is good at. Snacks and cheese. With all the wine and snacks and cheese we will throw a great get-to-know-the-neighbours party, a Really Big One. We’ll ask people to bring drinks (but not wine), and when it’s over we’ll NOT ask them to take their unopened drinks home again.

Thankfully we have only a small freezer so when the electricity goes we should be able to keep pace with the thawing food: some bread, salmon, berries, ice cream – we’re good for a couple of days on the freezer stuff alone. Cooking will be okay for the first week I reckon, judging by the gas in the tank on the deck and the two little tanks in the camping equipment.

I think we’re good. Some extra water would be a good idea – we don’t have any – but with all the toilet paper and paper towel in the pantry there’s just no room; extra water is really not an option right now.


*This is one of those just for fun posts that I originally wrote as a Facebook note in 2014.


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